Timeline Of A Relationship – What Is Normal?
Many women are getting so hung up on what is the normal, healthy timeline of a relationship. What is the right timeline for sex? The right timeline to be exclusive? To call each other girlfriend and boyfriend? To get engaged, get married and have babies? Truth be told there is no “should” on timeline. Every situation and relationship is different. What really matters is are you having fun? Then what you should do is not to over invest and to keep your options open instead of nagging and being so pushy which are low-value behaviors.
In October 2014, Wendy got my book and wrote me: “So, I’ve been seeing my “friend” for a little over a year now. We met through a mutual friend. We were at a get together and we ended up sleeping together. I wasn’t that in to him at first. He was ok. He was really into me. I made the mistake of sleeping with him again. Soon it went from one night a week to three or more nights.
Soon I wanted a relationship he wasn’t ready. He knew it bothered me. He took me out. Courted me. We spent all of our time together. Treated me like a girlfriend but couldn’t commit to the title.
Five months later, he went away to basic training and that’s when he finally committed to me. He wrote me every week. I wrote him every week. He was extremely thoughtful in his letters. I went to his graduation. I met mom and his grandparents. The important people in his life. They knew I was his girlfriend.
He went to AIT another phase of basic training for another month and he started getting distant. I nagged of course. He came home and ended things with me. In the most passionate way he could. We had sex, but when he was done he didn’t get off of me. He stayed there, kissed me on my forehead, embraced me, rubbed noses.
That’s when I lost it. I cried right while he was on top of me. He stayed there and he let me hold him until I was ready to let go. He didn’t jump up or acted like I freaked him out he was calm. I knew then he was Lying about not having feelings for me. I got up and I said well I guess this is goodbye. He said yes.
I walked out. Two weeks later he asks if I would go on a trip with him. Of course I was confused. It turned out being a couple’ s trip with two of his best friends since elementary school. So I was really really confused. Why would he invite me on a couple’ s trip??? We had a nice time. He payed for everything.
When we got home things were fine for about a week or two. And them he started distancing himself again. Of course I tried telling him how I felt. I asked him did he have feelings for me. He said he did. So I couldn’t understand why he would act the way he did. Recently I told him I loved him. He said he was “in the middle” of course I don’t know what that means.
I’ve confessed, I’ve bitched. I know I drive this man crazy. I say awful things to him. And I’ll try to shut him out. But I can’t for too long.
He just ignores my dramatic emotional outbursts. And yet he still sticks around. I’ve tried giving him many “outs.” I told him I was going out on a date and the next morning he calls to ask me how it was. I told him of didn’t go because I was too upset from him. Later that night he was there and did things he never did before and had claimed he didn’t like.
He goes days without contact. The longest has been 2 weeks after I said horrible things to him. Last week I asked him would he feel better/relieved if We just moved on. He said he “we can see where things go”. I thought that’s what we’ve been doing. I want a commitment. He doesn’t.
Reading your book I know I’ve been doing this the wrong way. I want to know. Do you think there is any hope for us? Should I just leave it alone. I bought him football tickets for his birthday (although he forgot mine). The game is in December. Should I go or cut my losses? What is he thinking? Sorry so long.”
You can listen to her interview here.
It’s a classic case of a woman getting impatient and anxious and starting to push a man away with the nagging.
A Relationship Timeline is Not Lateral
So she stayed in the group in which she processed her feelings and journaled her progress with her guy. Eleven months later she reported: “And it finally happened!! After a ghost disappearance that lasted 5 months, and 5 months after his sudden reappearance my EUM finally claimed me!! Lol! It took him 4 days after he came over to have the talk to finally say something. I had a long stressful week and came home to a hot bath waiting on me and then surprisingly he jumped in with me. That’s when he told me that I had his heart and he was ready for us to see where this goes.❤
It only took him 2 years. Lol! Thanks, Katarina!! And to all you other goddesses that have been here to watch my story unfold and to offer me the best advice on my worst days. Esp in the beginning. Lol!
I found you in October last year. He went ghost on me a month after I found you at the end of November. He reappeared in April.
I signed up for Journey Inward Cycle 6 and the Leaning Back Workshop. I also listened to a couple of the audios in the monthly membership: “How To Manage Your Emotional Investment When He’s Been Stepping Up But Hasn’t Claimed You” and “What To Do If He Never Takes Me Out On A Date.”
For someone starting off I recommend the Journey Inward program hands down. That sets the foundation for EVERYTHING.
The top 3 things that helped me stay present.
1) The Journey Inward program audios and my meditations. Those things taught me how to be still and nonreactive. And made it easy to mirror him.
2.) The group. Posting my thoughts and what was going on, reading others posts, and giving advice. That helped me keep things in perspective.
3.) Rotation, rotation, rotation!!! Kept me from putting his ass on a pedestal. Easy come, easy go, easily replaced!!
Now the REAL work begins. I still have a lot of working on myself to do. Sometimes I still find myself needing his verbal validation despite his actions even after he’s shown he’s a man of few words time and time again.”
No such thing as a normal timeline in a relationship!
Aren’t many of you are so dead set on the timeline of a relationship and what you think is normal? You listen to advice out there: “if he doesn’t claim you after 3 months he never will and you should walk away.” Or “bring the talk after a month so he knows what you want.”
And then what happens after such advice? You begin to worry in your head and you no longer connect to him through the heart and everything goes downhill from there on. You start to strategize and try manipulate him so he gives you what you want. You google all possible scenarios on how to make him commit.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as you try to control the timeline of a relationship.
Lucky you landed on my website: the only enlightened dating/relationship blog that gives the most definite answer to all your dating/relationship issues that you won’t find anywhere else.
Wendy’s case is the reason why I wrote my book in the first place: He’s Really That Into You, He’s Just Not Ready.
I have experienced what she and all of you have experienced. It’s nothing new under the sun. Guys are pretty predictable that way. And I have proven time and again that this is not the end of the world. You can reverse it if you understand what’s happening and start applying what works with men.
That was what I did with my ex and he claimed me after 1.5 years and married me a year later. Had I known the rest of what I know today we would have still stayed married (or I wouldn’t have married him in the first place cause we both were on a rebound).
The point is there is no fixed timeline with a guy. Every situation is different. Comparing your relationship with others’ throw you off the present moment and you start dwelling in the “should” realm in which your energy will be sour. He’ll be turned off instead of wanting to get closer to you.
And if you have been leaning forward like Wendy did you have stalled the process big time (had she done this right the first time it wouldn’t have taken this long). So stop what you are doing and delve in my teaching immediately.
Start with my ebook and be prepared for the new coaching program that will the Ultimate of all my coaching programs: Feminine Magnetism: The Art Of Being A Woman That Enraptures A Man’s Heart. The program won’t happen till March 2016 and will last 5 months in which your brain will be emptied out and filled with new programming, but you can start signing up now for a few hundred dollars off. The price will go up by $100 every month or so till March. And there are different affordable plans as well ranging from 2-10 installments.
I’m sure it’s hard for you to wrap your mind around it because it all sounds so new to you. You are so used to being told to stick to your boundaries and play hard ball with a guy or you’ll be treated like a doormat.
When you feel that you have been seeing each other long enough for it to become a relationship, that means you are over invested and you lack of options cause you don’t have a rotation. So change it.
UPDATE: Now Wendy is expecting a baby daughter with (former) EUM. Congratulations, Wendy.
Images by Deposit Photo