Self Sabotaging Through a False Sense of Entitlement in Relationships
None of us like to think we could have a sense of entitlement in relationships, but the sad truth is most or many do. Entitlement you see is like an expectation. While there is nothing wrong with expecting things like a good life, a good job, good love, the danger comes when you expect it to manifest from others and what they do and don’t do.
Recently I read a post from a woman who was angry with her boyfriend because he didn’t call her when he said he would. She wanted to know how she should make him pay for this “betrayal” to her. She was torn between giving him a piece of her mind or giving him the silent treatment. She has a sense of entitlement that if goes unchecked, will destroy her relationship.
Turns out the poor guy fell asleep. All that negative energy she generated with her thoughts of entitlement and what she deserved and did not get. Expecting other people to do or behave the way you want them to stems from a sense of entitlement, a negative one.
Entitlement in Relationships
Let’s say you are a single Mom. You are entitled to some free time, no doubt. It’s when you impose that entitlement onto others that it becomes sabotaging. If for example you expect your Mother to babysit when you need this time, you are looking to others to fulfill that sense of entitlement in yourself. it won’t work.
The person you impose these things on doesn’t actually feel your position, they aren’t responsible for filling your needs. The Mother, in this example will grow to resent this expectation from you and the relationship will falter.
I have a friend that makes plans all the time, yet she rarely shows up. She is so much fun when she does. I could choose to be angry with her or i can choose to accept her as she is. As long as I don’t place the success or non success of the evening in her hands, I don’t suffer from this. I still consider her a very good friend and I don’t try to change her. I couldn’t if I tried and her free spirit is part of her charm.
Do I center my plans around her? No. I invite other along as well. She may show up eventually. She is entitled to live her life as she pleases and so am I. Neither depends on the other to live our lives.
Negative Entitlement vs. Healthy Entitlement
It’s the same in all relationships when it comes to entitlement, especially romantic relationships. When we place our state of mind or emotional well being into the hands of others and base it on what they do or don’t do, how they behave or misbehave, we bring an entitlement attitude into our relationship.
Entitlement in a pure form is not bad. We are entitled to our freedom. We are entitled to love in our lives. We are entitled to happiness. It’s when we mix this entitlement with control or expectations of others that it becomes an issue. It’s when we believe that the love in our lives, our happiness all depends on another human that we begin to sabotage unknowingly. Placing our own well being into the hands of others is a malignant form of self love.
So are you entitled to love? Yes of course you are. You are not however entitle to control the form or manner in which it comes to you. Years ago I fell hard for an emotionally unavailable man. I was dead set on getting the love I needed from him and him alone. My sense of entitlement turned into control, as in trying to control the fact that he would love me. I would cry endlessly because he didn’t.
I completely missed the entire point. I was trying to get blood out of a turnip. There was love out there in the world for me, but it was not in the form of this man. Eventually I let go, but it was after years of my life was spent hanging onto something I had no control over. Years of self abandonment. The love I wanted just had to come through him, that one man. Crazy makings really.
When you look to others to fill your need for love, acceptance, and security, you self abandon. Your sense of entitlement in relationships in these areas sabotages all your chances. I wish that Katarina’s Journey Inward would have been available back them, but ah, I didn’t even know there was an internet in those days.
Had I know what Katarina teaches about leaning back in relationships and accepting what is and not trying to control an outcome, the love in my life would have come much sooner i am quite sure. Her teachings on leaning back and cultivating feminine mystique have been a Godsend and it’s not too late for you.