How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone With A Guy
You get in the friend zone with a guy because you put yourself there. You see, trying so hard to be a man’s best friend before he arrives emotionally will backfire. Being his friend and therapist is not how to get out of the friend zone with a guy. Here’s why.
I’d present a recent testimonial from Celia into 2 parts because of 2 different teachable moments that I’d like to bring up on this post. Celia just recently engaged (one of 30 in 2016 so far).
Here’s her first part.
“Ladies, here are couple of pictures from our engagement! I will write my story in just a little bit but I do want to say that this is all because of Katarina and her teachings and also because of this group and all the great advices that I read here for the last 3 years! They do really work, they helped me change and become the person I am today! A much happier, anxiety free, trusting and loving person than I ever was in my whole life.
I am still reading and following all the posts here almost every day even if I never comment. It helps me a lot to remind myself that I never been this happy and the only way to continue to be happy is to try to stay grounded, lean back and trust that my fiancé loves me! 🙂
Now, sorry for a long post! No, he is most definitely not the guy that got me here. My fiancé is the most EA awesome guy I ever met.
My journey with you started in December of 2013, right around Christmas time. I was brokenhearted over a guy I met about a month earlier. He was a very handsome and smart guy with a great job, in other words a ‘great catch.’ Except that he really wasn’t.
First date went great; we had such a great connection and could talk forever about everything. It was right before Thanksgiving and he went away to see his family. I was so anxious because instead of making plans with me for a second date he didn’t contact me at all. So, of course, I leaned forward and ask him how his trip was. I was sooo happy when he replied.
I kind of initiated the second date (threw some hints), he went with it and we met the second time and we again had a great time. And so on, with mostly me initiating and him going along with it we met about 8 times in about 1 month. I even stayed over at his place a couple of times.
This whole time he was very receptive to my initiating so of course I didn’t see anything wrong with doing that! The guy is answering to me and we get to meet and have a great time so what is wrong with that! So of course when he ‘disappeared’ I was devastated! ‘But we were so good together! We had this connection like I never had with anyone else! We talked so much! I don’t understand!.’
I am sure that many of you have been through that! Anyway, long story shorter I found Kat, read the book, opened my eyes for a bit but was still hard to see and accept everything that was wrong with my behavior. I wrote a couple of texts but I always got a 1-2 words answers with I am sorry, I have this cold so I am not feeling well stuff. I decided to send him an email right after Xmas asking what happened, that we had this great connection and kind of said I am ok with your decision whatever that would be (to not see me anymore or just wanting to take it slower or whatever) but I think that we are both adults and owe to each other the truth.
I was soooo happy that he replied, it was a nice response BUT with all the red flags that flew right by me because I wasn’t ready to see the flags: ‘I just got out from a painful relationship and I am not ready for a relationship as I have a lot of healing to do but would love to be friends and it’s not you it’s me, I even got you a Xmas present (it was right after Xmas) and please don’t hate me and I would love to see you to give you the present and be friends.’
I was over the moon. I was out with a friend of mine and didn’t reply to his email right away so he started to text me and call me! I answered and agreed to meet with him for a drink, I was actually on my way home and really close to his house.
We met at a bar and he told me a lot about his past relationship and how painful it was and still is and how he is not ready to date yet even though I am such a great girl. So now I am in a position of being his ‘best friend’, not at all what I wanted from him, but I foolishly thought that if I will be there for him he will one day, once he heals, see how wonderful I am and want to be with me for the rest of his life.
So I was there for him whenever he would call, we started to hang out a lot and eventually we started to sleep together again. But I was his buddy, whenever he felt like crying because he just saw his ex he would call me, whenever he was depressed because he is alone he would call me or text me, I was his ‘drunk text messages’ and so on.
Then he threw himself out in the dating pool and dating a different girl every other day. I started to date too and tried to make him jealous (and he was for a bit) but then we started to talk about his dates like we are best buddies. I acted all cool but I really wasn’t. Then one night he tells me about this girl that he met that is from Ukraine and they just met a couple of weeks ago and she went home to Ukraine for vacation and invited him to go and visit her and asked my opinion.
By that time I started to see Kat’s teaching more and more clear but he still held that soft spot in my heart. I advised against going, told him that I thought it was weird that they just met and he will make that trip for her but he end up going. They just got married a few months ago, so I guess I ‘helped’ to heal him.
So even if initiating and ‘being there for them’ might feel good at the moment and you think whatever Kat’s is saying is wrong, look I am so happy now that I am out with him. If I would have listen to Kat I would be home crying! Yes, it is true! You are so happy for a brief couple of hours and then you go back to torture yourself. And that would be your life until either you finally see or he just moves on.
In our case was a bit of both but it definitely opened my eyes and finally accepted Kat’s teaching! I read so many posts every day, read the book, did the Journey Inward, practiced everything with a new guy for 5-6 weeks then in November of 2014 I met my fiancé. I will tell my story with him in another post, this is so long already.”
What Not to do To Get Out of The Friend Zone with a Guy
Here’s a case in which you become a shoulder to cry on for a guy and he friend zones you to marry the next gal. Again, being his friend or his confidante is not how to get out of the friend zone with a guy.
Don’t you hear about this anecdote often? That you do everything for a guy and instead of liking you more, he loses his attraction toward you and move on to the next one who isn’t “half as good” as you.
That’s what happens when you become a guy’s therapist or “best friend.” I mean obviously your partner eventually will become your best friend because there is a special connection between you two that you don’t share with other people. Joe and I are each other’s best friends in that we have each other’s back no matter what. Every connected and healthy relationship has that best-friend component.
However, when you try so hard to become a guy’s best friend while your intention is to be romantic with him you basically depolarize yourself from him. You put yourself in the friend zone. Many of you do this because you think “it’s better to be his friend than nothing at all.”
So friendship is all you got.
You keep doing stuff for him cause you are “his best friend” which means you are investing in him while all he does is to unload all his personal issues on you (and of course being a good person that you are you always come to his rescue, cause who don’t want brownie points from a guy you adore, right?). You think this will bond him closer to you.
This is also another example of mothering. When you treat a man like a helpless child who needs your constant guidance and supervision, don’t be shocked that he will feel less than a man when he’s with you. He likes all the attention and your graciousness but he doesn’t sleep with his mother so why would he be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of her in that “busy body” department?
Learn From Celia How To Get Out of The Friend Zone With a Guy
So Celia, has been leaning forward so much cause she didn’t know that the only way he’ll be intrigued is when he’s the one who courts her and a man as I mentioned in my class Seven Reasons Why Men Marry Some Women and Dump Others can’t court you unless you lean back and need persuading for him to win your heart. She didn’t on both accounts.
She courted him instead. And there can only be in one courter in dating. It’s either you or him. If it’s you who’s been doing most of the heavy-lifting, stop now! You are depolarizing yourself and putting yourself in the friend zone.
Now, let’s read her 2nd part of her story with her fiancé:
“Yup, I learned that the hard way! I also learned how EU I was and read a lot of articles about that too. I realized that my whole life I was running away from the guys that were really into me and I was always into, chasing and being heartbroken over the wrong guys. It was such an eye opener that everything you said in your book and all the ladies in the posts in here commenting on other ladies that were struggling just like me came true!
Warning, this is a VERY long post already but might help some of you. Now this is my story with my fiancé:
When I met my fiancé for the first date I had a great time and he seemed to be a great guy but I had couple of doubts because he wasn’t my typical guy, I do like the guys that are more ‘sportsy’ type (I play a lot of soccer) but he put so much effort and won me over quickly.
I learned from all I read from Kat’s book and all of you ladies to just observe and be busy. My life was so busy, I was so busy at work and then with soccer and I was also planning a trip to Thailand with my family. He was working around my schedule and booking every single of my free moment, I had ZERO chance to even try to rotate with other guys, I was successfully rotating with life.
Every date was so wonderful, I had such a great time and I always had a big smile on my face at the end of each one. I did not have to put any effort, he would text me and make sure that I know he was interested.
Then after 5 dates (about 3 weeks in) he asked me to be exclusive with him and I accepted. I did remind him that I was going to travel for 3 weeks in less than a month and he said he doesn’t care, I am worth waiting for.
Our relationship with one another was just great, easiest I ever had. I never had to wonder how he feels about me, he was so sure to show me and try to spend every single free moment with me. We did hit some rocks but all outside issues…on our second date he was straight forward with me and told me that he was not divorced yet, separated and living in different bedrooms but still living with his ex while they are trying to figure out the finances without taking his son out of his house.
He is an amazing father to, at the time, a 4 year old boy. I just listened to everything he had to say and when he asked me what I think about it I said: I can’t have any opinion about this. I appreciate you telling me but we just met so I am not going to pass judgment on something I don’t have a full picture of.
He told me later that my mature and non-reactive way of looking at that won him over. I have to admit that was a huge concern but I decided instead of rejecting I should just sit back and observe without getting too much involved and keeping in mind his situation.
So for the next 2 months before I was going on my trip I got to know him more and more and saw from his actions that he was definitely very invested in ‘us.’ I did express my concern about him getting involved in an exclusive relationship after 11 years of marriage but he assured me that he had about 2 years after the marriage was over to get ‘over’ that marriage, he has been dating since then.
He invited me at his house to show me that he lives in his own bedroom and that he has nothing to hide and that she was also dating somebody else for the last year or so. It was just a simple roommate situation mostly because of finances. I could see right away how toxic his marriage was, she was and still tries till today to control every step that he would take, to manipulate everybody around her.
Luckily he now sees that and not even ONCE that he put her ‘demands’ before us. While I was away he kept constant contact with me, text and Skype everyday initiated by him, he took me to the airport and couldn’t wait to come back and pick me up (without me asking for any of it).
He told me that he loved me and that he is so happy when he is around me because I am just so easy to be around. I never react, I never yell, I never get mad, I never pressure him to do anything and just take life one day at the time. He loved my vision on life, the fact that I am so mature, on my own feet, I have my own life in order and it was clear from the beginning that I was happy and did not need him to make me happy.
I was so different than everything he has seen before. He told me so many times: ‘I love that you do not pressure me with texts, or wanting to talk on the phone all day about nothing! I love that I know that when I call you or text you, you are just happy to hear from me and not yell at me why I did not text you 1 hour earlier.’
Honestly he was the easiest person not to be anxious around, he always made sure I know how he feels and kept constant contact. If there were things I did not like I would calmly tell him that I am not comfortable with that specific thing and he can do whatever he wants as is his life and I wasn’t going to tell him how to live it but I wanted to let him know that specific situation wouldn’t work for me and I do have the freedom to not accept it.
He constantly would tell me: ‘I just cannot believe how easy is to talk to you! I don’t understand why you never yell. You always make sure you let me know when you don’t like something in such a nice way that the only thing left for me is to make sure I do everything I can to please you! You do not demand things you are just a reasonable person. It’s so wonderful.’
Him and his ex had a schedule for his son where they had specific days when to watch him. Five or six months in he introduced me to his son and we started to spend every weekend together, ether with his son on his weekend or alone when his ex was watching the boy. The week days he was watching his son he would always invite me over at his place to hang out with him and his son and then the days he didn’t have his son would spend at my place. So it was natural that after about 8-9 months we decided to move together.
He started a few months earlier to get his wife to go to mediation and figure out a reasonable financial solution for their divorce so they don’t have to spend money that they didn’t have in court. She continuously refused.
In October of last year, on their son’s 5 years birthday she agreed for us to go over the house and have breakfast with the boy (who created a deep connection with me by then as we were spending a lot of time together) and then would have went to the boy’s birthday party later in the afternoon. But she was a mess when we got there in the morning, apparently her boyfriend wasn’t coming anymore so she decided that I wasn’t going to go either.
She started screaming at my boyfriend and at me in front of the kid and just lost all control. My boyfriend tried to calm her down and she end up hitting him and biting him and then trying to run out with their son who was really scared of her outburst. Both my boyfriend and I kept our cool and he just tried to convince her not to drive with the boy because she was in a rage and could put him in danger. But she forced herself out (by biting my boyfriend on his shoulder) and locked herself in the car.
My boyfriend was really scared for the safety of his son so he did something crazy, he climbed on the hood of her car thinking she will just get out and maybe call the cops. Instead she put the car in gear and drove with him for 250 feet then slammed the break and left him in the street. I found him screaming in pain in the middle of the road, he shattered his ankle and wrist. All this in front of their 5 year old son on his birthday. Unfortunately she was able to get out of going to prison for that.
He was in the hospital for 2 whole weeks and went through few surgeries and then was confined in a wheelchair for 3 months. Even if his sister and mother came there he always asked for me to go close to him, hold my hand, told me how much he loved me and smile at me through all this. He asked me to please don’t go and stay with him which I did.
After the hospital he came to live at my place and I helped him through the recovery period. It was a lot for a relationship that was only 1 year old but I did know at that time that I love this man so much and the thought of almost losing him was hard. And it touched me so much that he wanted me around him, he would always smile though his pain when he would see my face.
We had a few crazy months with court and doctors but we got through that and he is walking again since January and better and better every day. We did end up moving together in a new place in January of 2016 and been living a wonderful life since then. Things had calmed down, his divorced was finalized in July and even if his ex (who is now single, miserable and jealous) tries everything she can to make our life miserable we wont let that come between us.
We are a team and we have a great time together. He has joint custody and his son lives with us half of the time and he seems to have forgot all those crazy months and he is very happy. Living together with somebody else has its moments but we are still yet to have any fight.
Of course we do have discussions but we both know how to be adults and non-reactive and he still cannot believe his luck to have found one of his Kat’s girl. The proposal this weekend was unexpected. I knew it was something we will probably end up doing in a near future but I did not expect it yet, its only been 2.5 months since his divorce was final.
He had the ring custom made (infinity sign – number 8 is my favorite number), asked my mom for permission and then proposed to me after one of our friend’s wedding (he waited until after midnight and did it at the wedding after party – he did not want to step on our friends day).
Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to say all this for all the women that read this and wonder if they should be with a man that is still not divorced yet. It is so case by case situation that I do not think there is a straight answer to that.
Have I just blindly decided that it is not a good idea to be with a man that is not yet divorced I would have passed on the opportunity to be with this wonderful man. He is so amazing and we are so happy together. The happiness comes from within and from being in the best relationship of my life.
So ladies, please always open your heart while you also keep your eyes open. You will know when somebody is really into you, single or in the process of divorcing, they will put an effort to make sure you know that, they will never let you doubt it, no matter how busy their life is. Keep an eye open for red flags and an open mind and open heart for the love of your life. It will happen!”
Now, she turned herself from a friend zoned woman to a miracle worker by inspiring a recently divorced man to propose in no time simply by learning from her mistakes and doing the complete opposite. She didn’t put herself in the friend zone like she did with her EUM. She learned her lesson. Being his best friend before he is emotionally invested is not how to get out of the friend zone with a guy.
She’s one of those women I coach who seem to beat the odds when it comes to dating divorced men (you can check Diana‘s and Jenna‘s stories as well as they are happily married to recently divorced men themselves).
Again, Celia is proof of the magic of what I teach. Against all odds, a recently divorced man can’t wait to marry a Kat Goddess, not very uncommon with the women I work for in terms on how they can turn an unlikely situation to an opportunity for them to shine in all their feminine Goddess glory.
Wanna learn more about the ins and outs of my teachings that got all these women reeling in awe and excitement? Sign up for my ULTIMATE program and be the RAIN MAKER yourself like many of my clients: